Aries March 21st–April 19th
People have told you for long enough that you can achieveanything you want. No mountain is too high to climb, no ambition is tooambitious, take away the im from possible and you have’ I am possible’. It istime to face the truth, wake up and take a reality cheque that won’t bounce.Brush away the cornflakes from your bed sheet and open the moth eaten curtainson this hungover Sunday morning and accept the fact that sometimes better thingshappen to people that aren’t you. Change your brand in cereal.
Taurus April 20th–May 20th
Other people’s ‘happiness’ are coming at your expense.You’ll find your time browsing kitchen-ware wondering what the sharpest knifeis and where exactly the toilets are in Homebase. Budget accordingly this is aonetime shot that you’ll have to repeat numerous times throughout the year soit’s best to get it right. People willbe grateful for your presence but they will prefer your presents. Considertaking a fishing trip just so you can get some solitude.
Gemini May 21st–June 20th
It’s time to chase that person that you’ve repeatedly staredat in the library. The librarian has been asking you questions for a while andif anything you can take it as encouragement – it’s not. Consider what your priorities are and do yourbest to find a person to create a suicide pact with, so that someone holds youto account. Spyro the Dragon (the original) is your new favourite pastime, butthat last boss will fill you with resentment for the difficulty level of 90’schildren video games.
Cancer June 21st–July 22nd
It’s party time cancer! Go to a Traffic Light party andstick signs that say ‘Under Construction’ on people’s trousers. You are thelife and soul of the party, it’s just a shame that the party is akin to a carehome where euthanasia has just been introduced. Spend some time scowling in thestreets, disapproving of people littering and existing. Consider being Veganjust to see what the fuss is about.
Leo July 23rd - August 22nd
Throw your dad a surprise party Leo, and then produce adocument showing that you want to get emancipation. It’ll be the greatest giftthat they can ask for. With this in mind start suggesting it to others, go toan orphanage and let them know there’s a vacancy available within yourex-family and you just want them to go to a good home. Consider this a new lineof work, perhaps a business venture? Congratulations you’re now a creativeentrepreneur! Celebrate and have dinner with your father.
Virgo August 23rd– September 22nd
Relive the nostalgia of Pokémon cards and start a trade war withyour work colleagues. Track down that high school bully, arrive at their houseand shove the shiny Mewtwo card into their eye, they’ll take back everythingthey said about your appearance 20 years ago and explain that hindsight is abeautiful thing. Get the lyrics to the new Arctic Monkey’s album tattooed toyour back. You’re not a psycho, you’re a true fan.
Libra September 23rd–October 22nd
Balance and order is everything to you over this next coupleof months. Consider getting a job in the Brexit cabinet, if anyone can sortthis mess out it’s you. You’re nervous about taking potential lovers on dates;suggest spending a night in a disused bus station. Not only will the experiencebring you closer together, but it will also be an ample opportunity to shrugoff that reputation for being creepy. Just make sure the vending machine isstocked up. Meditate to ‘O Superman’ by Laurie Anderson.
Scorpio October 23rd–November 21st
Celebrate the Summer and take on a different look and becomea new you! Hide and wait at the hairdressers, and once you see someone you like,take their skin and/or hair. No-one will recognise you or know what to put on a‘wanted’ poster, just like that guy in Dieanother Day. Consider taking a writing course so you can learn how not torepeat themes and situations within your own writing. You find yourselfrelating to the character Ralph in ‘Wreck it Ralph’.
SagittariusNovember 22nd – December 21st
Capricorn December22nd –January 19th
It’s time Capricorn to start making some importantdecisions. Notably when it comes to what kind of shower gel you use, and whatdoes that say about you. Mint flavour makes your bits sting and orange remindsyou too much of your ex, who was an orange. The blue ones makes you think of your 5thbirthday at Scarborough beach which you’d rather forget. Best bet is to go withthe vanilla flavour. Plain old boring Vanilla. Just like you.
Aquarius January20th – February 18th
Hayfever is becoming a real nightmare for you. You dreamabout it every night – seeing yourself with a beautiful person in a field fullof sunflowers...they go to kiss you and you sneeze in their face. Let this be alesson to your waking self and set off to mass burn the sunflowers. Re-name yourWi-Fi router to your favourite friend’s character + your least favourite sexualmove. The novelty of Garbage’s debut album wears off quickly, but is excellentto run to.
Pisces February 19th–March 20th
It’s the summer Pisces, cue 8 weeks of non-stop drinking,BBQs, failed romances and an ever growing resentment for the World Cup. Start asweepstake with your work colleagues and say the buy in, is their house. Tellthem that it’s just a bit of fun and then rig it so you have all the bestteams. GDPR has not treated you well, reclaim the pain and pitch to Hasbro the‘GDPR Man’ action figure. Special skills include sending tenacious e-mails.Download Tumblr so you can watch Porn as your mid 30’s live in landlord has achild safety lock on the internet for some reason.
Aries 21stMarch -19th April
You have a legitimate fear that millennials are out to getyou, lock all the doors barricade all the windows. Act out your life like theprotagonist from I Am Legend (not theWill Smith version) go to the local shop and take all the tinned food off theshelf whilst screaming ‘they are just so savvy with technology’. People willappreciate the warning.
Cancer 21stJune-22nd July
Now is the summer of your diss and contempt. Take an axe toyour neighbour’s front garden, it needed redecorating anyway and you used to bea big fan of Ground Force, you’ve gotthis. Go to the local allotment and spread some slugs around, people will beshocked at the vegetable massacre, but they are also the ones that forget weowe our existence to slugs. Find out a reason why we can owe our existence toslugs. Celery is not a good substitute for lack of sexual libido.
Leo 23rdJuly -22nd August
Love is in the air. And it reeks, there may be officeromances blooming. Take it upon yourself to facilitate these romanticendeavours and spike a couple’s drink with laxatives. Then take bets in theoffice on who will stay in the toilet longest. Look for a GIF that you feel summarises your feelings towards George Clooneyand send it round the office. Consider a career in making cheese.
Virgo 23rdAugust -22nd September
You’re feeling unusually lucky. It might just be theendorphins kicking in from that 5 mile run you did home from the party thismorning. Or the MDMA hasn’t worn off. Either way it’s time to take fulladvantage of it and go to the Casino. Play all the games, particularlyBlackjack, the plan here is to trick everyone into thinking you are countingcards. There is more to the Lightening Seeds than the song Life of Riley.
Libra 23rdSeptember -22nd October
Tell all your loved ones that you’ve downloaded the couch to5k app. They’ll begin to respect you and think that you are on a path ofimprovement. Although this may not be the case, it’s what people think of youthat matters in life. That’s why the Uber rating system is the besttechnological advancement in the past 20 years. Cold war is upon us, buy somemore blankets.
Scorpio 23rdOctober -21st November
Kick off your summer by listening to Freddie Mercury’s Soloalbum. Very loud. Every car journey you are on suggest it is played. If thedriver or the other passengers decline the invitation for their ears to begraced, then refuse to ever speak to them again. And steal their cats. Play it onthe bus, the public may simply be unaware that of this gracious record. Throwout the rest of your CD collection, there’s only room for one CD on this rack. Time waits for nobody.
Sagittarius 22ndNovember -21st December
You’d be right to start questioning your mortality a bitmore.
Gemini 21stMay -20th June
You’ll find yourself to be busy most nights, surroundingyourself with likeminded people – miserable narcissists. Tell yourself this isa good career move and never say never. Go on as many dates as you can. Itwon’t fulfil you, but will prove a distraction from your thoughts. Visit Yorkand just walk around the Walls, it’s not as pleasant a piece of heritage as youwould be led to believe. You are not alonein your display of dismay at how MacDonald’s have changed the Monopoly game.
Capricorn 22ndDecember -19th January
Move house and forget to tell your bank. Your card willexpire, leading onto a confusing adventure, with no real out come. Buydifferent ornaments that look erotic, and offer them to your elderly relatives.Their look of confusion is the real gift you’re looking for. Start everysentence with ‘Actually i think you’ll find...’ and never follow up. Peoplethink you were looking to take up a career in Politics. It’s time to get rid ofthat Bradley Walsh costume.
Aquarius 20thJanuary -18th February
Weigh up the pros and cons on having affair, and decide toemigrate instead. Oz is nice this time of year. Or Spalding. Give away all yourdata to as any social media platforms as possible. You have too much of itanyway, you don’t need all that data. It’s time to share your data more. Data.
Taurus 20thApril -20th May
Your relationships are going well. Your Job is going well.Things are going well. This leaves you feeling uneasy; surely something awfulis just round the corner. It might be, but don’t go looking for it. Just enjoythe now and the present, otherwise you’d be on a crusade of self-sabotage andthe only people who that really works for is disillusioned Chess Players. Treatyourself and get some chicken wings.
Pisces 19thFebruary -20th March
It’s festival season! Buy tickets to all the festivals, andspend a lot of time explaining to your Bank why you don’t regret your decision,and why they if anything as your sponsor they should be giving you more, tellthem it’s an investment as you need to surround yourself in a culturally richatmosphere, where vibes are important and drugs are easy to come by. Tell themif they are not going to be reasonable you’ll have no choice but to close youraccount with them and possibly firebomb head office. Threats have history ofworking. You might contract Chicken Pox.
Aquarius January 20th– February 18th
Be generous with your time and resources even with people who don’t want it. They will, they just don’t realise it yet. Be frank with everyone that you meet about their dress sense. Write your memoirs out and post it to tumblr, tout for a publisher and when the results leave you wanting, burn some buildings. It’s art in action.
Pisces February 19th– March 20th
It’s time to discover some new music. Take a hike and travel to deepest darkest Yorkshire to find a hidden bird song. Get trapped their and pray that you told enough people about your adventure. If you didn’t this is just another adventure itself. Get into a load of different short term relationships and then end them explaining that you are not worthy of being with them. You’ll get a lot of praise and recognition for your martyrdom, and I think i even might hear an award nomination. You’ll face emotional turmoil when it comes to olives.
Aries March 21st–April 19th
This is the time of your life when you start questioning everything. Like a toddler on hash. Ask your friends, your colleagues and partners ‘Why?’. Why this. And why now. Tell them that nothing can be explained away, and then give a feeble excuse as to why your late for work – your dog ate your car, or you hit Piers Morgan on the way there. Now is the time to take the plunge and try sploshing.
Taurus April 20th–May 20th
It’s time to finish what you started. Tell Janice in the office exactly what you think of her dress and personality. Don’t sugar coat it, or if you do only use ethical products as an icing. Your life will stop being as stable as it once was and you’ll have to make some big decisions in relation to shower curtains. Your indecisiveness will let you down. You’ll find your true love in brie.
Gemini May 21st– June 20th
It’s time everyone realised what social media is really for.People looking at your holiday album from Magaluf 2015. Incredible. After a mammoth amount of work recently it’s time to take a holiday. Go somewhere not only will people not know you, but will ignore you. Like the invisible man with depression. Read Eat, Pray, Love and then burn book and criticize the author on twitter. You are Chesney Hawkes’ inspiration.
Cancer June 21st–July 22nd
Your insecurities about being alone will rise to the surface. Those cardboard cut outs of Will Young and Gareth Gates can’t save you now. Remedy this by pointing out other peoples insecurities - they will be drawn to your honesty. Take part in a 10krace and then go the wrong way. You’re a trend setter. Impulse buy Robotchildren on Ebay.
Leo July 23rd –August 22nd
It’s time to show everyone how much you love the monarchy –after all you are the next one in line to the throne. Get your china plates and bunting out and have a party. Invite no one, but instead listen I Want To Be Adored on repeat whilst drinking a bottle of VAT 69. Setting is optional. But for best result find a cold attic. You’ll have an allergic reaction to Twirl bars.
Virgo August 23rd– September 22nd
Now is the time to make those mountains of molehills. Tellpeople you are going for a walk, and then take endless selfies whilst you do squats.Remember shitting yourself is all part of the experience. Be extremely aware ofyour health, people may call you a hypochondriac but these are the same peoplewho are likely to be eaten by an escaped crocodile and get everything theydeserve.
Libra September 23rd –October 22nd
Take up Yoga, and tell everyone about it. It’s not satisfying unless people know about it. Everyone in life are about to throw you some big decisions, your family, your work colleagues, that dog walker that you seethe park. Take your time and assess what is the best outcome for everyone. Then do the opposite, you are otherwise just an aid in the continuing power of capitalism. Consider collecting fingernails as a hobby.
Scorpio October 23rd– November 22nd
Share all our closest friends’ secrets on twitter. Tell everyone you love and care about, that they are disrupting your ‘private zone’.Your self-awareness is a gift and should be used to full effect. Throw paint on everyone at work and then apologise explaining you were having ‘one of your moments’before doing it again with concrete. Be suspicious of anyone who uses more than two sugars in their tea. Avoid kale.
Sagittarius November 22nd-December 22nd
Capricorn December 23rd– January 20th
Set some SMART goals for yourself and others. Ensure that yours are achievable, and the others aren't. Do a running commentary on other peoples failings. Set up a WI meeting and order a cake full of goats to attend.People will accuse you of being emotionless – they are wrong, you are soulless.Commit an hour a day for stepping on snails.
Aries March 21st –April 19th
You have a burning fire in your belly, like that time you left those burgers in the oven and went to Sainsbury’s. This is the time where you will achieve. And oh boy how you will achieve. Learn to play chess and bring it to your local nursery school, challenge the children and wallow in their defeat. You are unstoppable, don’t wait for their tears to flow, yours will be good enough. Break some HB pencils so your co-workers know you’re on the edge. And need more stationary.
Taurus April 20th-May 20th
Finally it’s time to learn, being generous with your time is not a virtue. People close to you have found some wild reasoning to unburden all their problems on to you. You regret flippantly saying ‘I’m always here to talk’ over that Fillet-o-Fish meal at 2am. Begin work on that business plan for that new idea that you’ve been repeatedly told won’t work, seek investment by any means necessary – remember sexual deviance can also just be a strength of character. Stock up on cheesy bites, they are only available for a limited period.
Gemini May 21st –June 20th
You will be in a permanent state of exhaustion, and this will continue for the next couple of months, but don’t worry, building that Lego Hogwarts castle will be worth it in the end. Enter into new situations where you don’t know anyone, read the room. And do the complete opposite of what is needed. These problems and arguments were going to happen anyway, you are just a catalyst in making them happen. Your efficiency with time has done everyone a favour. Consider the M1 your new home.
Cancer June 21st –July 22nd
It’s time for some decorating! Pull the carpets, bring down the wallpaper, smash the windows,(they looked ugly anyway), ignore what your fellow housemates say, it’s not their house and neither is it yours. But with a BTEC in Applied French, you’re more than qualified to be making these radical changes in your home environment. Consider changing your political alliance to one that you don’t agree with, and parade through the street with a burning effigy of your favourite cartoon character. Everyone will call it symbolic of today’s society..
Leo July 23rd –August 22nd
People will give you the nickname ‘Captain America’, not because of your leadership skills, but because you look like a twat in a suit.Vocalise your opinions about veganism at every possible venture, family BBQs,the School PTA meeting, funerals – you are correct, don’t let anyone have the chance to think otherwise. You’ll make a great boss at a small scale glue factory one day.
Virgo August 23rd – September 22nd
Show how much of a team player at work you are and buy everyone at your workplace a decafe coffee. They’ll appreciate the sentiment,and would be too polite to say anything otherwise. This is true power. Use your inquisitive skills to get inside people’s heads, and plant ideas about Barbara in finance, a la Inception. Your life is a Christopher Nolan film.
Libra September 23rd –October 22nd
Make a list of your goals, if there is nothing in this list that offers the chance of death; re-evaluate the list and your life. Rocky is your new mantra. You will go through a series of difficult challenges that many people will call in laymen’s terms ‘Getting on the property ladder’ or ‘making a living in London’, these are all worthy notes for your infamous memoirs twenty years from now. Invest in a kindle, an often forgotten about weapon. Tofu is not your friend.
Scorpio October 23rd –November 21st
Oh Scorpio! So many secrets, so little head room to keep them in. Vandalise your local school with secrets about the teachers, no one will realise it’s you that person who is in charge of that major corporation –you are the 21st century capitalist superhero. Teach others on what is most important to focus on – creating the ultimate iphone password.Ultimately though if you don’t talk about your problems there will be some emotional issues for those closest to you. Tinned tomatoes are your only source of vitamins.
Sagittarius November 22nd –December 21st
Halloween is over. Quit it.
Capricorn December 22nd –January 19th
Yo cap! Sick of people criticising you or feeding back negative comments about your work, personality and appearance? It’s time to launch that magazine you’ve always thought about launching. ‘The critic’s critic– a guide to the problems I have with my friends’ it will be a huge success depending on your definitions of both huge and success. Leave, what to some could look like a suicide note and then turn your phone off and go for a long walk in the Brecon Beacons.
Aquarius January 20th - February 18th
Your inspiration for the next couple of months is Supergrass and the hit tv show Dexter, both will do what they can at all costs and so should you.You are finding a constant battle between the appearances of you monging out,how people chose to see the litter of cigarette ends around your feet. You are feeling highly motivated in your own head and in many ways that’s more than enough. Stay away from Morrison’s own brand of Bolognese sauce.
Pisces February 19th –March 20th
This is the time you will earn the nickname ‘The Library’,due to your intelligence and how parts of you are old and dusty. People will look to take advantage of you when you least expect it– especially cats. Keep al ow profile and change your settings on your facebook. Have a purge of your cuddly toys and friends, you’ll only want to keep the cute ones. Create your own vegan cheese and fill it with razors, you’ll be a hit at dinner parties. Mrs Brown Boys is not a good tv series.
Aquarius Jan 20th – Feb 18th
Aquarius, it’s time you take a long hard look at yourself. You need some time alone away from the razzmatazz of the big city life. Look for another adventure, maybe the woods. Nothing bad happens there. You’ll find solitude is the best medicine to get away from the monolithic arseholes you’re surrounded by. Just remember you are part of the problem.
Pisces Feb 19th – March 20th
What time is it? It’s Pisces time! Due to your consistent selflessness you find everyone is taking advantage of you. You can fix this with a good swim, take some deep breaths underwater and maybe don’t come up to surface. Perhaps it’s time to go on a protest, look one up in your local yellow pages and see if there is a march you can join. If that fails write down a list of your worst qualities and pin it to your window, so everyone in the street can know who the real you is.
Aries March 21st – April 19
It’s time to be impulsive. Consequences are overrated, it’s time to take action and ‘take back control’. Make some decisions without thinking about them, people will admire your bravery and shun you for the outcomes. Processed meat never fails to impress
Taurus April 20th – May 20th
Your stubbornness’ is a virtue. It’s time to stick to your guns, disagree with everyone in the workplace. They are wrong and you are right. Disciplinary meetings are just another obstacle in making others realise their full potential. You find you may have a grudge that you want to let go of. Don’t. Let this pain boil like a packet of BBQ flavour supernoodles.
Gemini May 21st – June 20th
Now is the time to discover that David Bowie album that you never thought you’d like. You’re indecisiveness is your worst personality trait. It’s time to make a big life decision. Move city, tell that person you love how you really feel, shun your parents. You’ll go back on this within 6months, but what’s important is that everyone knows that you are fucking your life up.
Cancer June 21st – July 22nd
It’s the month of fancy meals and driving tests. Now is the time Cancer, to go on an extraordinary night out. You bank won’t be very sympathetic with you after. Fuck the bank, they’re the reason you’re reading a horror-scope right now. Go on a financial splurge and call it therapy, watch legally blonde and explain to your friends that’s how you are being there for them. If they are also a Cancer they will understand. Otherwise they’re not worth your time.
Leo July 23rd– August 22nd
Leo YOU are the ‘King of the Jungle’ YOU are the ‘Jungle VIP’ are you feeling like you’ve reached the top and had to stop, and that is what’s bothering you? Consider transitioning. Let the people in your life know that you are better than them; they should already know this so it will come as no surprise. Be careful of new acquaintances, they will take you at face-value and misunderstand you. Let them know where you are in the food chain. By any means necessary.
Virgo August 23rd– Sept 22nd
Lock yourself in a dark room and try LSD. You’ll find the answers to that crossword that has been bothering you for the last two weeks.Now is the time to use your analytical skills and put them to the test. Do your taxes, offer to do other peoples and then do them wrong – you’ll be teaching them a lesson in trust. Stay away from quinoa.
Libra Sept23rd –Oct 22nd
It’s time for Justice! Buy their entire discography and start a rave at your mates house. You are helping them on the quest to being popular, whilst you are getting some great experiences with Djing. This will be the month that you go bankrupt.
Scorpio Oct 23rd-Nov 21st
It’s time to release your Machiavellian side. People will keep commentating on your age, not in a good way. Go to Lush and hold everyone hostage until you get that moisturiser that will fix your face. Your fierce nature will lead you into some opportunities that you thought was just for Virgos. Keep a diary of your favourite Lady Gaga songs, as they will probably be useful for a relative’s art project.
Sagittarius Nov 22nd– December 21st
It’s time to stop hanging around outside schools.
Capricorn December22nd- Jan 19th
You are in control of the decisions you make, it’s an exciting time for you and progress will be made both on an emotional and professional level. You will hate everything at some point; mark out a day each week where you can have a 2 minutes hate. Watch all of the anime series CardCaptors online. Challenge yourself to watch it with others. It’s wise to not forgive your friends for that incident that happened. Eat fish and chips every Friday.