Aquarius Jan 20th – Feb 18th
Aquarius, it’s time you take a long hard look at yourself. You need some time alone away from the razzmatazz of the big city life. Look for another adventure, maybe the woods. Nothing bad happens there. You’ll find solitude is the best medicine to get away from the monolithic arseholes you’re surrounded by. Just remember you are part of the problem.
Pisces Feb 19th – March 20th
What time is it? It’s Pisces time! Due to your consistent selflessness you find everyone is taking advantage of you. You can fix this with a good swim, take some deep breaths underwater and maybe don’t come up to surface. Perhaps it’s time to go on a protest, look one up in your local yellow pages and see if there is a march you can join. If that fails write down a list of your worst qualities and pin it to your window, so everyone in the street can know who the real you is.
Aries March 21st – April 19
It’s time to be impulsive. Consequences are overrated, it’s time to take action and ‘take back control’. Make some decisions without thinking about them, people will admire your bravery and shun you for the outcomes. Processed meat never fails to impress
Taurus April 20th – May 20th
Your stubbornness’ is a virtue. It’s time to stick to your guns, disagree with everyone in the workplace. They are wrong and you are right. Disciplinary meetings are just another obstacle in making others realise their full potential. You find you may have a grudge that you want to let go of. Don’t. Let this pain boil like a packet of BBQ flavour supernoodles.
Gemini May 21st – June 20th
Now is the time to discover that David Bowie album that you never thought you’d like. You’re indecisiveness is your worst personality trait. It’s time to make a big life decision. Move city, tell that person you love how you really feel, shun your parents. You’ll go back on this within 6months, but what’s important is that everyone knows that you are fucking your life up.
Cancer June 21st – July 22nd
It’s the month of fancy meals and driving tests. Now is the time Cancer, to go on an extraordinary night out. You bank won’t be very sympathetic with you after. Fuck the bank, they’re the reason you’re reading a horror-scope right now. Go on a financial splurge and call it therapy, watch legally blonde and explain to your friends that’s how you are being there for them. If they are also a Cancer they will understand. Otherwise they’re not worth your time.
Leo July 23rd– August 22nd
Leo YOU are the ‘King of the Jungle’ YOU are the ‘JungleVIP’ are you feeling like you’ve reached the top and had to stop, and that iswhat’s bothering you? Consider transitioning. Let the people in your life knowthat you are better than them; they should already know this so it will come asno surprise. Be careful of new acquaintances, they will take you at face-valueand misunderstand you. Let them know where you are in the food chain. By anymeans necessary.
Virgo August 23rd– Sept 22nd
Lock yourself in a dark room and try LSD. You’ll find theanswers to that crossword that has been bothering you for the last two weeks.Now is the time to use your analytical skills and put them to the test. Do yourtaxes, offer to do other peoples and then do them wrong – you’ll be teachingthem a lesson in trust. Stay away from quinoa.
Libra Sept23rd –Oct 22nd
It’s time for Justice! Buy their entire discography andstart a rave at your mates house. You are helping them on the quest to beingpopular, whilst you are getting some great experiences with Djing. This will bethe month that you go bankrupt.
Scorpio Oct 23rd-Nov 21st
It’s time to release your Machiavellian side. People willkeep commentating on your age, not in a good way. Go to Lush and hold everyonehostage until you get that moisturizer that will fix your face. Your fiercenature will lead you into some opportunities that you thought was just forVirgos. Keep a diary of your favourite Lady Gaga songs, as they will probablybe useful for a relative’s art project.
Sagittarius Nov 22nd– December 21st
It’s time to stop hanging around outside schools.
Capricorn December22nd- Jan 19th
You are in control of the decisions you make, it’s anexciting time for you and progress will be made both on an emotional andprofessional level. You will hate everything at some point; mark out a day eachweek where you can have a 2 minutes hate. Watch all of the anime series CardCaptors online. Challenge yourself to watch it with others. It’s wise to notforgive your friends for that incident that happened. Eat fish and chips everyFriday.